OK, so this is a random thought post.....no pictures...no scrappy stuff...just questions??
Let me give you a little background.....I lost my brother when he was 19. He had Muscular Dystrophy and some other medical issues. He wasn't supposed to die young though....He didn't (questioning this now) have the form of MD that made you die young....so it was a shock. My brother's name was Ben. I was 21 when he died. He died at a friends house...he called my Mom in the middle of the night...and said he couldn't sleep...he just couldn't get comfortable. They told each other "I love you"....then the next morning...he was gone. Trauma...BIG trauma...life flight etc...
So...I marry Derek...at age 27. He has 2 brothers...Jake and Ian. So eventually Jake meets Chandra. She has been in our lives for 8 years (Myself, Derek and the kids)....and then her only brother gets a brain tumor...and dies at age 24. Jake and Chandra get married....
Are you following me here? So now the 2 wives have lost our only brothers....and now Ian...so now BOTH of our husbands have lost a brother at age 19..
Do you think this is weird?? Were we meant to be with these guys to guide them through this process? Now all 4 of us have lost our brothers.
So, then I look at this ...and it's this horrible deja vu...Cause now I question heaven...and how could someone be here and then just NOT here. What happens when people die? How does it work?
I know that nobody can answer these questions...and TRUST me....my kids are asking me...and I don't know what to say.. I'm trying. Really I am. But I just feel my chest crushing...and I give a lame answer...like, OH....Heaven is peaceful and the guys are just hanging out up there listening to Bob Marley...and watching us down here struggling with daily life...
My girls keep writing him notes....they are everywhere in my house. They are stuck to my fridge with magnets....and I wonder, can Ian hear the messages? Or did he just end when he was killed?
And why? WHY this family? You see, Ian's death is different....cause the thing is that I found peace with Ben's death. It was his time (or so I convinced myself)...and he was whole again....and happy. For Chandra, losing her brother is still pretty fresh and I honestly don't know where she is at with it....sad, I know..but we've been away for a long time. Now we live in the same city but don't get to see each other much...but that's a whole different story...
OK, back on track here...so for Ian, it's different...cause he was "killed"...being killed and dying are 2 different things.
Why the "HELL" was this guy on the road? 2 people are dead because of his decision to drive that night. When we saw him in court on Friday...he just stared at us....with this blank weird look. No compassion for this grieving family. Just weird...flat. Why is that? Does he know what he did? I don't get it.
He pleaded "not guilty"...what the heck is that all about? He was almost double the legal limit....and his skid marks start way before Ian even got to that horrible spot on the road. They go into the other lane, back to his lane and then a hard left turn right into Ian's car.
SO now this guy has a lawyer...you know what? Just take responsibility and just say, "I did it..." Why do people NEVER take responsibility for what they do...it's a blame game all the time.
I'm not worried that this guy won't get convicted..His bail is $400K. He has a suspended license and like 14 "failure to appear" and other traffic violations...the judge tacked on $500 for each of them...there were people at the scene that saw him...etc....hard facts...but I just don't want my in-laws and brother-in-law to be dragged through this. Derek is back on his ship..and gets back at the end of November...so his only access to the trial is email with us....but he'll be dragged in also....do NOT want this for my family.
I honestly love my husbands family so deeply. They are the kind of people that DO not judge..they just accept. They are loving to everybody. They really are special people. It's a pure love. Really. So, I ache so much for them. I don't know what to do...I just want to wrap my arms around them and take it all away.
You know...I remember when I was little...we lived in Florida (yep, my Dad was a Navy pilot also)...and I shared a room with my sister. I was a night owl...for real...My bed was right next to the window. I would lay awake for hours...hours and hours. I would look at the stars and wish. I would wish that God would take my brothers illnesses and pass some of them on to me and Jodi (my sister)...that we would all just be a little "sick"...so he wouldn't be the "only one". I also blessed my grandparents...my parents...my siblings...my cat..my dog...the neighbors...I would pray for World peace and for all the starving people in Africa. The normal prayers I guess...except for the ones for Ben.
So, I now feel that same way...like I just want to absorb this pain...but don't know how.
I'm sorry for all this rambling...Something is wrong with me tonight....I just feel ancy and I can't sleep....I miss my husband so much...and I ache for my kids because they miss him so much too...and I'm just not sure what I am supposed to do with all this....I guess just process it...and take it minute by minute.
Any advice would be so great. Please don't think I'm crazy...with all this rambling....Really, I'm just a frumpy stay at home Navy wife..who likes to scrapbook and collect vintage stuff....
3 months ago